Chris Gets His License
by Jemascola
Summary: With Chris's 16th birthday approaching, he prepares to get his driver's license.
1. Going On Sixteen

**Chris Gets His License**

(A/N: There is one reference to a scene from _Family Guy_ episode #2, "I Never Met the Dead Man." I did not create the dialogue. Seth MacFarlane and the _Family Guy_ creators and writers did. Please do not sue. I am not taking credit for the dialogue. Thank you.)

**Chapter 1: Going On Sixteen**

Fifteen-year-old Chris Griffin was excited. In one month, he was going to turn 16 years old. And that meant he was going to get his driver's license…as long as he passed his driver's test.

Three years had passed since Chris was thirteen. The Griffin family faced only minor changes. Peter was about 50 pounds heavier, Lois began secretly dating Quagmire behind Peter's back, Meg had left home to go to college, Brian was getting a lot older and was much more stiff than when he was seven, Stewie was now four years old and much taller, and Chris himself had a slightly deeper voice and grew longer hair.

Presently, Peter and Chris were standing outside the red family station wagon. Peter was going to teach Chris the mechanics of driving yet again. It seemed almost like a hopeless cause. No matter how hard Peter, Lois, or Brian tried to teach Chris to drive, he was so dense that he could not drive even if his life depended on it. Peter was concerned. Chris would be 16 in only a month, and if Chris wanted to get his license anytime soon, that meant he'd have to make a major turnaround in his "progress."

"Okay, Chris, you'll be 16 in only a month, so that means you're going to really have to practice hard to learn driving," Peter said, jiggling his now much larger potbelly.

"But Dad, I know how to drive," Chris said.

"No, son, you don't," Peter said. "And don't think you can lie to me. Lois and Brian have already taken you out driving, and they say that you couldn't even drive a screwdriver up your ass. Now get in the car and let's see how we can improve your driving."

Suddenly, Brian opened the door and limped outside. "Wait! Peter! Let me come along. I want to make sure the two of you don't do anything stupid like last time."

(Flashback: The Drunken Clam, 2 weeks back. Brian is sitting at the bar, drinking his usual martini. A pretty blonde in a red dress is sitting next to him. Brian turns to her, in the hope that she will accept him. "Hi there, I'm Brian. I'm very astute and come from a family with great, great intelligence –" Brian was interrupted when Peter and Chris crashed through the Drunken Clam and jumped out of the car. The both sang together, "I love you, you love me, we're a happy family…" Peter looked at Brian and said, "Brian, come on, you're one of the family. Come back home with us, and we'll sing on the way." Brian grinned sheepishly, and the woman slapped Brian on his snout. Flashback ends.)

"All right, Brian," Peter said. "But don't give Chris any driving tips. The last thing we need is backseat drivers."

"But Peter, that's the whole reason I want to go. You're a terrible driving instructor. Remember when you taught Meg how to drive?" Brian asked.

(Flashback: Main Street, 3 years ago. Meg is in the driver's seat, and Peter is sitting next to her. "All right, Meg. Now here's your first lesson. You always want to be aware of other cars on the road. If you catch eyes with the guy next to you at a red light, you gotta race him." Then, Meg looks over and makes eye contact with the man, an Amish guy with a horse and buggy, next to her. Peter said, "This guy's asking for it." "But Dad –" Meg started. "I don't make the rules, honey. Now rev your engine twice," Peter interrupted. "Okay," Meg said. She then revved the engine twice. Then, the green light appeared. "Go!" Peter yelled. Meg took off and heard the Amish man scream. "You forgot to flip him off, but other than that, nice job." Flashback ends.)

"And also, thanks to your poor driving skills, you knocked out the Quahog TV stations for quite some time," Brian added.

"All right, all right, maybe I screwed up then," Peter admitted. "But I won't make the same mistakes with Chris."

"You already have," Brian pointed out. "You've been teaching all the wrong methods of driving from day one."

"Oh, you think you can do better, Mr.-I-Can't-Walk-As-Good-As-I-Used-To?" Peter challenged.

"You know what, I think I can," Brian thundered.

"All right, then, you take Chris out for a driving lesson. If Chris's driving improves, I'll give you $50. Otherwise, you owe me the $50," Peter said.

"Deal," Brian said, limping over to shake Peter's hand. As they shook hands, Brian saw Peter's extra fat jiggling. "Good night, you've gotten fat over the last 3 years."


	2. Brian the Teacher

**Chapter 2: Brian the Teacher**

After making the deal, Brian got into the front passenger seat, Peter sat behind him, trying to squeeze in his extra fat, and Chris got in the driver's seat. Brian turned to Chris to start the lesson.

"Okay, Chris, the first thing you do when you start driving is place your hands on the steering wheel at 9:00 and 3:00," Brian said.

Chris looked very confused. "What do you mean, Brian?"

"Look, Chris, the steering wheel is round like a clock, right? Okay, then, on a clock, 9:00 and 3:00 are across from each other, and they are the most horizontal position. In other words, place one hand on the left side and one hand on the right side so that they're both level from each other."

"Gee, Brian, what the hell does that have to do with driving? You already suck as a teacher!" exclaimed Peter.

"I'm just trying to teach the kid the proper way to be adjusted in the car before taking off. But he's making it hard because he doesn't understand," Brian said.

"Um…what am I supposed to do again?" Chris asked, sticking his finger up his nose. Brian sighed and grabbed Chris's wrists to position them on the steering wheel. "What the hell are you doing, Brian! Are you gay or something? Don't touch me!"

"I'm not gay," Brian sighed in disbelief. "I'm showing you where to place your hands on the steering wheel." Chris allowed Brian to do so. "Now, can you remember that? Place your hands on the steering wheel in that position."

"I want a cookie," Chris said.

"Later," Brian sighed. "Look, we've got to move on now. Next step is to fasten your seat belt." Chris took his seat belt and fastened it. "Wow. I don't believe it. You actually got that right without any frustration," Brian said in awe. But his surprised expression faded to one of grief when he saw Chris take the seat belt out and unfasten it, then fasten it again, fasten, unfasten, fasten, unfasten, and so on. "CHRIS!" Brian shouted. Chris stopped playing with his seat belt and looked at Brian. "Fasten your seat belt and leave it alone!" Chris sadly fastened his seat belt. "Okay, now. Check your mirrors to see if you can clearly see around your car with them," Brian said.

"All clear, dude," Chris said.

"All right, start the car," Brian said.

"How do I do that?" Chris asked.

"What do you mean _how_?" Brian asked. "Didn't Peter teach you anything?"

"No, dude. Dad just did all that stuff for me and let me play with the gas pedal and steering wheel." Chris said.

Brian looked in the backseat at Peter, who giggled his famous laugh. "You call yourself a teacher?" Brian said disgustedly. "A _teacher_ doesn't do anything for the student. He shows him _how_ to do it so the student can _learn_."

"I'm sorry, Brian, I wasn't paying attention," Peter said.

Brian sighed. "Chris, see the key in the steering column?"

"Yes," Chris said.

"Take the key and turn it toward the engine," Brian said. Chris successfully started the car. "Good job. Now, before we do anything else –" Brian was suddenly interrupted when Chris mashed the gas pedal. The engine revved very loudly. "Just what the hell do you think you're doing!" barked Brian.

"I'm driving," Chris said.

"No you're not! You have to put it in 'drive' first!"

"Okay, dude," Chris said, shifting to drive.

"No, damn it!" Brian shouted. The station wagon was facing toward the garage, and Chris mashed the gas pedal and whooshed through the garage door and out the back wall. Brian and Peter screamed as Chris took them through the backyard, through several other neighbors' lawns, and finally, through the woods.

The car suddenly began to run out of gas, unbeknownst to Chris. Suddenly, a wild bear chased the Griffins. "Chris, step on it!" ordered Peter.

"I can't, Dad," Chris said. "The car won't go any faster."

Brian checked the gas gauge. "Oh my gosh, the car's out of gas! All right, now, whatever we do, don't get out of the car," Brian said. "Lock the doors, and –" he stopped when he realized he was only talking to himself. Peter and Chris had opened the car doors and ran away. The bear started to chase them, but it saw Brian in the car and started chasing Brian. Brian followed Chris and Peter as the bear chased the three of them.


	3. Chris's Sixteenth Birthday

**Chapter 3: Chris's Sixteenth Birthday**

A month later, after many failed attempts to teach Chris to drive, Brian finally gave up and paid Peter the $50. Peter consistently rubbed it in Brian's face, and Brian felt embarrassed. He did his best to ignore Peter's insults.

Not long after that, Chris's sixteenth birthday had finally arrived. The Griffins held a big celebration for him in the kitchen, where he opened presents, and ate cake.

Earlier that morning, Chris got dressed in his room, running out as soon as possible to avoid the dreaded evil monkey in his closet. He hurried downstairs and entered the kitchen, wanting to get breakfast. He was taken aback when he saw the family in party hats and the kitchen decorated. He seemed a bit surprised as to why the Griffins were in party hats, as that seemed a bit juvenile for someone's sixteenth birthday.

"Happy sixteenth birthday, Chris!" Lois said.

"Thanks, Mom. Thanks, Dad. Thanks, everybody!" Chris said.

Peter was holding the family video camera, recording the occasion. "Chris, why don't you open your gifts, and then, we'll have breakfast," Lois suggested.

"Okay!" Chris shouted, diving into his gifts. He ripped the wrapping paper off all of them, not bothering to do a neat job. He looked like a savage. He uncovered Peter's gift first, which was a set of barbells. "Thanks, Dad," Chris said.

"Now maybe you can lose that weight and be nice, big, and buff like me," Peter gloated.

"Peter, _you're_ fat!" Lois said.

"That's what I want you to think…" Peter said.

Lois sighed in disgust. "Chris, open mine next," Lois said. Chris tore apart the cardboard box from Lois's gift, and he saw a plush brown stuffed monkey animal. "Now you've got a real 'evil monkey' for your closet!" Lois laughed.

"But Mom, there really _is_ an evil monkey in my closet," Chris insisted.

"Oh, you and your monkey," Peter and Lois laughed together.

"Will you open mine, next?" Brian asked.

"Sure, Brian," Chris said, tearing open the cardboard box, revealing a Rhode Island driving manual.

"I figured that if you're actually smart enough to read, then maybe you'll understand the stuff in this book, and hopefully, it will help you with your driving," Brian said.

"Thanks, Brian," Chris said.

"Oh, before we forget, Meg sent you this from college," Lois said, handing Chris a small brown box.

Chris ripped it open and saw a G.I. Joe doll. "Awesome!" Chris said. He took the doll out of its plastic enclosure. "I'm gonna blow you up later. Ha ha ha!" Chris giggled.

"Open mine or die, you fat pig!" the four-year-old Stewie shouted.

"Stewie, settle down, he will," Lois said.

Chris tore open the box from Stewie, and in it, he smelt a horrible odor. "Agh! What is this?"

"It's dung," Stewie smirked. "I figured you needed it. It's a little bit stronger than the mental capacity of your brain!"

"Awesome, thanks, dude!" Chris said, taking the dung out and rubbing it all over his face, making a huge mess.

"Chris, stop, that's nasty," Lois said, taking the dung from him and throwing it in the backyard. She then washed her hands to remove the remaining dung from her hands.

Later that day, Chris and the rest of the Griffins ate birthday cake. Chris also got a phone call from Meg, who wished him a happy birthday. After dinner, Peter informed Chris that he would take him to the department of motor vehicles to get his license the next morning. Chris was overjoyed and thanked Peter and the others for a great sixteenth birthday.


	4. The Driving Test

**Chapter 4: The Driving Test**

The next morning, Peter took Chris to the department of motor vehicles to get his license. Chris's appointment for the driving lesson had already been set, so all he had to do was to wait for the driving teacher to show up. Peter and Chris waited about 20 minutes before the instructor finally showed up and called Chris over to the car to drive. The car was a navy blue Ford Taurus, and it looked like it came from the early '90s or so.

Chris got inside the driver's seat, and the instructor sat in the front passenger's seat. "Okay, Mr…" he started, looking at his clipboard and spotted Chris's name, "…Griffin, Christopher Cross." He cleared his throat. "Christopher. How are we today?"

"It's Chris, actually, and I'm fine," Chris said.

"That's good," the instructor said. "Now, fasten your seatbelt, check your mirrors, and put your hands on the wheel for me." Chris did everything the instructor asked for. However, his hands were incorrectly placed on the wheel. "Son, you might want to readjust your hands on the wheel for better control."

"Yes, sir," Chris said, raising his hands up on the wheel.

"Okay, now, start the car," the instructor said.

Chris made the sound of the car starting, and then, he began to make loud motor noises, during which, he spit everywhere, even on the instructor.

"What are you doing, Chris?" the instructor asked.

"I'm driving," Chris said.

"No, you're not. You have to start the car to do that," the instructor said.

"Oh, okay," Chris said. He then started the car. He then shifted the car into reverse, completely unaware that a cement fence was behind them. He mashed the accelerator.

"No, NO!" cried the instructor, as the car burst through the fence. Large chunks of cement rained on the car, scraping it, cracking the windshield, and bending the radio antenna. Chris didn't stop, though. He kept going backwards and crashed into several cars, but he didn't stop there. He even revved back into many office buildings and skyscrapers.

Chris finally ended up in a parking garage, where he quickly shifted gears and finally drove forward. He still floored the car while doing so, taking the car at 100 miles per hour. "Stop, stop!" pleaded the instructor. However, Chris giggled and imitated the powerful motor noises of the car as he bolted down the many roads. He drove onto the interstate, weaving in and out of cars by sheer luck (truth is, he didn't have the slightest clue what he was doing). All the cars on the road honked their horns loudly and repeatedly to protest Chris's careless driving.

But the worst was yet to come. Chris was in an acceleration lane, where it merged in with the main interstate lanes. Chris did not try to merge in with the main lane ahead of time, and a big tractor trailer was barreling close to the point where the lanes merged. The driving instructor screamed as the Taurus and the truck came close.

Suddenly, the truck and the Taurus blew up. The tires from the Taurus shot up in the air, as well as lots of smoke and fire. Glass shards rained all over and were ever present. Chris flew out of the car unharmed, and suddenly got snagged onto the legs of a helicopter. The helicopter started sinking, due to the fact that Chris weighted it down.

Inside, the two pilots noticed the drop in altitude of the helicopter. "We've dropped 10 feet in altitude!" cried the first pilot.

"Yeah," the second pilot said. "The performance of the copter is going down, and it's using up a lot more gas just to stay afloat. There's only one reason for this…"

"What?" the first pilot asked.

"There must be a fat kid on our copter." He then got out and saw Chris. "Ah ha! Get the hell off, fatty!" he said sliding Chris's shirt off the helicopter leg, which is what held him to the helicopter in the first place. Chris yelled for help as he fell down to the department of motor vehicles. The second pilot went back inside. "See, I told you."

"Really? How often do fat kids ever get stuck to helicopters, anyway?" the first pilot wondered.

Meanwhile, Chris crashed hard into the ground, and Peter ran over to help him. "Chris, Chris! Are you okay, buddy?"

"Yeah, I'm fine, Dad," a muffled voice said from underneath.

"Oh, that's good. Did you pass?" Peter asked.

"I don't think so, Dad," Chris said.

"Oh, that stinks, I'm sorry," Peter said. He thought for a moment. "Hey, I know! There might still be a way for you to get your license after all." Chris got out from the crater and smiled in excitement.


	5. Chris's License

**Chapter 4: Chris's License**

Later that day, Peter and Chris returned home, and Chris held his driver's license high in the air. "Hey, Mom, look what I got!" Chris announced.

"Oh, that's wonderful, Chris, let me see," Lois said, running over to look at Chris's license. All of Chris's physical specifications and other information were scattered all over the laminate card, and his picture was on the right. Lois handed Chris his license back. "Oh, Chris, I'm so proud of you! You must have really improved on driving at the last minute!"

"Au contraire, Lois," Peter smirked.

"Yeah, I failed the driver's test," Chris admitted.

"But how…then why…how did you get your license?" Lois asked.

"That's for _us_ to know, and _you_ to never find out," Peter smirked again.

(Flashback: Plastics Factory, 1 hour ago. Peter and Chris are standing by a large tub of white plastic. Peter takes out his driver's license, and then, Chris takes a bucket and takes out some white plastic. They then mold it to the size and shape of Peter's license. Then, Peter takes a marker and writes all of Chris's information on it. He then pastes a picture of Chris from his wallet, and then, the two go off to a Laminate Factory, where they coat everything with laminate. Flashback ends.)

"You didn't make this license on your own, did you guys?" Lois asked, sounding a bit angry.

"Hey!" snapped Peter. "Who told you?"

**The End**


End file.
